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Post by Azadar on Sat Mar 21, 2009 10:32 am

So, as of last monday, I'm back to work. I'm pretty excited about it, as I generally have a lot of driving to do during the course of my work day [close to 200 miles in a 10 hour day on Friday] and that allows plenty of time for my mind to wander. Yesterday, I spent the majority of my drive time mentally composing letters I'll never send to various people.

First off, my boss. He's a great guy and we spend most of our time mocking each other in that special way that only two people who respect each other can do:

Dear Boss,
I understand that you have read many many books and manuals about how I should be doing my job. However, while you are reading the aforementioned manuals, or sitting in your office furiously hunting and pecking or trying to figure out how to work the internet, I am out actually doing my job. So until you'd like to change jobs [and consequently, paygrades] with me, I'd appreciate it if you'd back up off me a bit. Also, I understand that you hate the music that plays when you call my phone, you don't have to remind me every time you call. By the way, I know that it's early in the season, but if you'd stop mucking about with your computer and get our work phones turned back on for the season, you wouldn't have to hear my music anymore. On that note, if you'd call me less often to tell me stuff that I already know, I could get even more work done!
P.S. You ought to know by now that when I tell you "I'm not coming in tomorrow", I'm probably lying to you. In over a year, I have never missed a day no matter how sick, sore or hurt I am. So stop looking surprised that I came in the day after I tell you I'm not!
Much love,

The next letter I'll never send [though I'd like to] is to a couple of very "special" individuals I observed during my drive yesterday:

Dear Ghetto Lad [and your buddy Broke-ass],
I saw you going through the intersection yesterday and I must say, those rims are very impressive. They must be worth, what, eight to ten thousand dollars or so? Nice work. Riding on dubs like that certainly gives you street cred, but.... YOU PUT THEM ON A 1989 FORD AEROSTAR MINIVAN!!!!! WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?!?!" You fail. Perhaps you should have spent that money on an education so you wouldn't have as much time to watch MTV and be a dumbass. To reiterate, you fail.
P.S. Tell your buddy Broke-ass [I don't know for a fact that you two know each other, but based on your tastes and the degree of fail which you both proudly display every time you get into your ghetto-cruisers, I'm guessing you probably do] that it is a FAR better thing to just stick with the stock rims of his 1994 Nissan Altima than to put the shiny tinsel-plated hubcaps on!!! He fails worse than you. [And yes they are covered in some kind of tinsel or something... look you can see where a spot flaked off right there!!! So stop frontin'.]
P.P.S. On the subject of street cred: While you, my new friend Ghetto-Lad, might have enough street cred left to finance a value meal from Wendy's, his street cred has declared bankruptcy and is now living in a cardboard box behind that abandoned building that used to be a strip joint. If both of you would be so kind as to straighten out your hats and get a clue, it would greatly ease my mind. Thanks.
Wishing you less fail in future endeavors,

Lastly [for now, though there may be more in the future] I would like to send a letter to that friendly officer from my ride into work yesterday morning:

Dear Officer,
It warms me down to the deepest recesses of my heart to know that you are so concerned about my safety that you felt the need to take time from your busy morning of eating donuts and drinking coffee in order to remind me that it is "mandatory" in this state that I be wearing my seatbelt at all times. I'm sure you were just using it as a warm-up to a boisterous afternoon of harassing j-walkers and cyclists that aren't using proper hand signals while turning. However, while you were pointedly lecturing me, several masked figures just came out of that convenience store over there carrying AK-47's and large sacks [presumably holding cash, or perhaps all the Devil Dogs, Twinkies and Ho-Ho's in the store, I can't be certain, as the swell of your gut was obstructing my view]. Perhaps you'd like to go investigate? At the very least, you could make sure they are wearing their seatbelts as they madly careen away.
P.S. How is it that people are murdering, robbing, raping, and driving drunk with seeming impunity, yet the one time a guy has a few too many and decides to run around the block in his skivvies to prove to his equally intoxicated buddies that it really isn't that cold out, you show up to help him accessorize his lack of apparel with a shiny pair of metal bracelets? Also, um, thanks for the warm ride home... turns out it really was that cold out. And also, thanks for not arresting me. I'm not sure how I'd have fared in jail with only boxers between my sweet virgin anus and a hot beef injection from some dude named Sally.
Keep up the great work,

Dear Reader: [I say 'reader' as opposed to 'readers' because i have no illusions]
I hope you've enjoyed my little vent session. Next time you find yourself irritated by something silly, you might wanna take a second to compose a little mental letter. It's very cathartic.

Until I spam again,

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Post by Samboni on Sat Mar 21, 2009 11:38 am

Dear Az:

Please get a new computer so you can start doing 25-man raid.



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Post by Azadar on Sat Mar 21, 2009 11:45 am

ROFL. See? Don't you feel better now? Unsent Letters 70951

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Post by CalliGirl on Sun Mar 22, 2009 8:47 pm

GROAN + /facepalm + *sigh* Suspect

<3 to all! I love you


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Post by Avel on Thu Mar 26, 2009 6:55 pm

Okay...someone has apparently tooooo much time on their hands. Please do get that compy of yours fixed. Maybe we can get some more creative raiding out of you instead of creative writing!

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